This is not a typical post for me. It's not that I try to hide the everyday from this blog,
it's more that I generally roll with the punches and I quite honestly think most of my
minutae is pretty boring stuff that no-one would be interested in anyway. At the
moment, though, I seem to have lost my ability to roll ;) I'm in a funk. I'm struggling
with that hairy subject of self worth and being a stay-at-home mum.
I've had a couple of things happen recently. First, a much-loved family member (who
is affectionately known for calling a spade a spade) made a throw-away comment that
out of all of us kids she'd honestly thought that I was the one who would have made
something of their life. (The inference, of course, being that I hadn't).
This was coupled with a few other occasions where I've been talking to interesting
people about their lives and then been totally thrown by that scariest of all questions
(for me) "So, Kylie, what do you do?"...
Well, how do you answer that? Often, compared to the things they've just being talking
about the only answer I feel capable of making is... "Nothing". Usually I hesitate and
mumble a pathetic reply about crocheting and screen printing... and it really does
sound so lame I try to change the subject as soon as I can.
Naturally, it doesn't help when they laugh (thinking I'm joking) and, strangely, it's even
worse when they quickly hide their surprise and assume a trying-to-look interested
expression. You can almost see their minds flailing about for a follow-up question. I
don't blame them for these responses... I mean, it is pretty lame juxtaposed with what
we've been talking about minutes before. As I said, I try to put them out of their misery
by quickly changing the subject. What hurts is my ego... I can feel the downgrading
in status as a tangible thing.
The thing is I'm not an uneducated person. I have 3 degrees and can intelligently hold
my own in conversations about most topics. I've made some bad career decisions
along the way but then I can't regret anything I've done because all of these decisions
have led me to where I am now and I wouldn't change that. I feel so lucky that I've been
able to be here for my kids and so very fortunate that I can afford to indulge in my passion
for making.
In moments of frustration I will rant and rave at my family that I don't have a life and that
all I do is facilitate theirs. On one level, this is true, but it's not really truthful. I love my life
and see it as a very privileged one for the reasons stated above.
There are times when I long to exercise my brain more and fantasize about doing
something 'worthwhile'. I've been talking about getting my Masters in Art History for a
decade now... or doing that Textile Design degree at RMIT and would the family really
mind if I disappeared off to Melbourne for 3 years? ;) But yes, I totally understand that
all of this would only be a public legitimisation of the reading and practical work that
I'm doing for my personal enjoyment... that it would be not about me, but about proving
something to others.
So, I don't do it because it would be for all the wrong reasons and this
cycle of feeling unworthy perpetuates itself.
At the beginning of this year I felt so positive about this new start I've made with Paravent.
After having my shop name taken from me, I decided I would rebrand and register my new
name, work to create a definite presence so it can't happen again. Through this I began
to feel a wonderful sense of purpose and identity... actually, it's all about having an
identity, isn't it, once you stay at home to look after children?
I think the problem is I fall into the trap of looking from the outside in, instead of the other
way around. We have to work really hard to maintain a sense of self when we don't have
the identity of a career to define us. Knowing who you are and what you want to achieve
can be a blurry concept, all fuzzy around the edges, when you don't have a structure
within which to orient yourself.
A friend has suggested to me that it's all about confidence and 'talking yourself up' in
conversation... but that's just not me. I'd feel like a fake and a self-important loser.
Maybe I just need to not care what others think of me (and yeah, that'll be easy!).
So, how do you do it? How do you ground yourself and stay centered? How
do you react when people ask what you do? Another big one... what do your
children say when asked what you do? Mine tell people I'm an artist... and I'm
still unsure whether that's because they see me that way or whether it's a less
embarrassing option to admit to... (don't forget, I've got teenage girls!).
Okay, sorry for the long rant. If you've made it this far - thank you :)
And if you have the time, I'd love to know how you deal with these issues.
